" I have intercourse that ' forgot password ' clit hate to see me coming . " — @fckitsjay
Welcome, welcome. You’ve survived another brutally hot,very chaoticsummer. It’s time to reward yourself with some laughs as we head into fall. Enjoy!
1.
nobody sigh louder than an unemployed , debt - spare dog who spends at least 16 minute a day log Z’s
2.
they should permit you leave workplace early on if the vibraphone are off and you detest it there
3.
I am sitting next to a French - speaking family at Whole Foods , and their boy ( maybe 8 or 9 ? ) asked what I was doing on my laptop computer . I sound out : " I ’m work on my dejeuner break . " And he articulate , in an adorable French speech pattern : " Ah ! I did not know that hoi polloi could work on their lunch break ! "
4.
I ’ve been afraid of AI since this girlie score the scenepic.twitter.com/NpDBGZfcWX
5.
naught find fault pocket attempts in europe so far . Do my pockets not front abundant ? Am I not immersed in the moment ? Humiliating .
6.
as small fry we were taught that taking anything from the mini bar would convey fiscal ruin upon our kinfolk
7.
Me : what a decent weekend . I ’m in such a good humour . meter to fly homeTSA broker : well if it is n’t the dumbest and atrocious cunt in the world
8.
me intoxicated in the back of an uberhttps://t.co/571HJscqJI
9.
Adult friendly relationship are crazy cuz you ’ll be ask each other shit like are u free at the end of October ?
10.
an ugly humans serial like your instagram write up feel like being chase in the woods
11.
i take the responsibility of being in someone ’s close friends very severely . idc if u not spilling tea … i m not telling a undivided soul you had that grill cheese for tiffin . FBI could n’t waterboard it out of me
12.
Okaaaayyyyyy let me juuuuuuuust shaaaaaaaaare my screeeeeeen … okaycanyouseeit ?
13.
I love when an IT hombre refers to my laptop as “ your political machine ”
14.
My dad worked 16 hour a day on minimum salary and had a secret apartment and family in the 90 ’s . This saving is insane
15.
Do we have houses?https://t.co/6Zn9QB15dO
16.
The recession is fix loudhttps://t.co/uWlZ0KFpNZ
17.
IT WORKED i m so excited to harbinger that after receiving my masters level I will be a BARISTA 💜 https://t.co/WrEhz9hSl9
18.
If you have these light fix you do not need to occupy about Kamala ’s capital advance taxpic.twitter.com/oFki74SbL8
19.
hey honey , remember the conversation we had earlier this week ? well , everyone on Reddit says that you are the asshole .
20.
I ’ve been mean about this word all monthhttps://t.co/FOn6xVfWol
21.
made eye contact lens in the position bathroom mirror while washing my hands as the human being went straight to the door from the urinal so then he pivots to the sink and pronounce “ guess we ’re still doing all that even after covid haha”pic.twitter.com/kMUcwBnMs6
22.
there is a guy i see every undivided metre i ’m at the gymnasium . dayspring , night , midday , twice a days , i ’m like this is outrageous . today , i ’m here & there are two of them . they ’re twins lmao it ’s all add together up
23.
I used to volunteer at the ER at a children ’s infirmary in college and the whole gig was arguing with nipper about their best-loved superhero until they forgot their arm was broken
24.
Okay dude sorry fuck . My fucking faultpic.twitter.com/kss7tfpTSw
25.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing ? Should we separate everyone ? Should we throw a garb codification disciplinal merging ? Should we ask over my midway shoal frailty principal
26.
me and the girls all got haven tickets so we can hear wonderwall live 😍 do they have any other big songs we should hear to before we go x
27.
go to snitch at gas station and there was a cockroach in the stall I took the plunger and shood him out under the doorway no sooner did I sit down to betray a man walked in farted loud as ass then kick the Rutilus rutilus back under the stall directly at my feet where it lead off to take flight
28.
mrs pouffe in prison : https://t.co / vQLCo1dNi4
29.
had a deadline 🥲pic.twitter.com / oPqJ1fVmEB
30.
i be like “ it is what it is ” and almost vomit from anxiety
31.
they shoot me with genial illness when i was a baby because they did n’t like that i radiated moonlight and had genius inside my center . they were overjealous of me
32.
Do nt wanna go out … but there s a barkeeper out there who want my 20 % hint to feed his familypic.twitter.com/ohq8xMHhUx
33.
I discover my toast spring up in the kitchen like 15 minutes ago but I do n’t worry . I just do n’t care . Fuck that piece of pledge . And make love my lifespan
34.
Three humans attempt to hook my Quaker at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so harassed he was like “ what do y all want ? Advice ? suit I do n’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
35.
Me say " but hey , things happen " after telling the most traumatic outcome of my lifepic.twitter.com/vLn8LFXY6B
36.
It ’s so hazardous that there are people who can key motorcar by sight . Like or else of “ brown hand truck ” or “ grayish sedan ” everywhere they go they ’re all “ that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata ” . It must be like seeing those color only shrimp can see .
37.
38.
i am not a rider princess i am a passenger court jester . i must keep the driver alive , assist in piloting and tightly manage the music play list . my lid jingles so that i may defend my permanent front derriere prerogative and avoid execution .
39.
ca nt make this uphttps://t.co/etRzBCQVd3pic.twitter.com/H5TdjlzDh5
40.
i have sex that ' forgot password ' button hate to see me coming
41.
i do n’t wish hoi polloi with concealment screens . the roll in the hay you got in that telephone set lil sneaky bitch
42.
ㅤpic.twitter.com/nGVOqxsbbW
43.
When multi - million dollar companies ask me to make a donation at the register.pic.twitter.com/3x5SBDk9VL
If you need some more laughs, feel free to peruse our most recent weekly roundups (and don’t forget to give these creators a follow if they made you laugh!):
37 Hilarious Tweets That Will Have You FALLing In A Fit Of Laughter Into Fall ( Sorry )
I apologise To My Apartment Neighbors Because I ’ve Been cackle In My elbow room Wayyy Too heavily All hebdomad Thanks To These Funny Tweets
