" If you have n’t done it for a year or more , you do n’t have a clue . "
Raising a child comes with surprises for every parent, regardless of circumstances. One thing thatiscertain, though, is that most people view moms as the default, primary parent, and because of that, dads who are as hands-on as moms often face unique surprises.
It’s true, too, that society primes girls for parenthood, but not boys — at least to the same degree. I imagine that men who become parents face a lot of surprises that women have already been taught to expect. To get more perspective on the matter, I decided to go straight to the source andaskstay-at-home and single dads about the parts of parenthood they least expected. Here are their most insightful answers:
1.“I was audited by the government nine times, and it took almost two years before I could receive any benefits for my daughter even though I’ve taken care of her alone since she was a newborn and been to court to get full custody of her.”
2."[I was surprised by] how much fun parenting provides me. I had no idea my son would make me laugh so much."
3.“I adopted my son when he was 11 as a single, divorced dad. I was a bit surprised that I didn’t really have support for child care for a good nine years.”
" I did n’t appointment or go anywhere on my own . I was n’t resentful . I had made this option . I was also surprised that shoal volunteerism and PTAs in my community are wholly female - driven and they had nothing available that I could do as a single dada . In spite of the challenges and obstacles , my son has turned out really well . I ’m very proud of the humankind he ’s become . "
— cheesygiant89
4.“It can get really lonely when you don’t deal with adult humans regularly. After seven years as a stay-at-home dad, I am never bored but it’s very isolating. I knew it was, just didn’t reallyknow.”
5.“When my four kids were younger I would take them to the store, park, pool, you name it. Almost every time, someone would say ‘How brave of you!'”
6."[I’ve been surprised by] how little support there is from absolutely anyone. My daughter’s mother believes I’m completely incompetent despite all the evidence — my healthy, happy, wonderful, and intelligent daughter — suggesting the opposite."
7.“I know one other stay-at-home dad, and one single dad (a neighbor who I don’t know too well, but am friendly with). A few years ago when my kids were small, I was often the first stay-at-home dad people knew. I live in a fairly progressive West Coast city, and except for a few anomalies, people were overall very kind. Something I struggled with was the loneliness.”
8."[What I didn’t expect was] the amount of suspicion you get. I’m a single dad of two girls, 4 and 5, and since I gained full custody and even before, people have assumed that I’ve been disgusting and assaulted [my children]."
" I ’ve even been told to my face on multiple occasions that I ’ve ' in all likelihood touch ' my shaver . [ It ’s ] about as mortifying a thing to pick up as you’re able to expect . apparently , unmarried moms do n’t face this . I just like I had the kind of privilege [ one gets ] being a female parent , because I require just as much service as them . "
— Anonymous
9.“When I started being a stay-at-home dad to twins, I thought other stay-at-home moms would be super supportive. My wife even joked about it, saying, ‘Stay away from all those moms!'”
10."[People are] always amazed there is no mom. [They] offer help, but never reach out or follow through."
11.“I was a stay-at-home dad for about seven years. I’ll always be glad l did it, but it was Groundhog’s Day: laundry, meals, activities, repeat.”
12."[What wasn’t expected was] the loneliness; [all] because you’re doing the right thing."
13.“Single dad here: my son is only 4 and at this age, it’s really common for moms to be the social planners for their kids. I didn’t expect how hard it would be to facilitate my son’s social life when trying to communicate with married dads.”
14.“I’m a stay-at-home dad of two. It was never a question for us; I’m a writer so I work from home, and my wife has a very lucrative job. Plenty has been shocking, but the most shocking thing has been the way this lifestyle has exposed how many men in my life are quite misogynistic, and the degree to which they are.”
15.“I’m a single dad. My wife died of cancer when our child was young. People have been very, very kind. They also assume I have lots of help.”
16.“It was very difficult for me to figure out who I was when the kids were in school. And those struggles impacted me in several ways. I struggled with basic motivation to leave the house. I hated feeling trapped.”
17.“I was a stay-at-home dad. My boys are teens now, so this was several years ago when there weren’t as many stay-at-home dads, but I was always surprised at how low-key degrading moms were to me.”
18.“My wife is in the military and [is] the breadwinner. We got uprooted from where we met and moved across the country. Every time we’re asked how we got here and [the] military gets mentioned, I’m assumed to be on active duty even with a full beard. It’s quite funny and my wife has learned to laugh it off.”
19.“I didn’t expect so much distance from other, female stay-at-home parents when I tried to talk to them. Being the only man at the park feels isolating.”
20.And finally: “I was surprised by the way people in our (small, East Coast, progressive) town reacted to my choice to stay home as a dad. It’s clear to me now that many people who think they’re ‘progressive’ are still upset when social norms are flipped.”
Let me know your thoughts on the above; there are a lot of diverse experiences here! And if you have your own story about being a single/stay-at-home dad, feel free to share down below. Or, if you prefer to be anonymous, you can fill out thisGoogle Form. Your story may be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed article!
Please note : some reaction have been edited for duration and/or clearness .
