" I regret arguing with their papa loud enough for them to hear . I ’ve apologized to all three of them for that because they deserved better . I ca n’t envisage endeavor to go to sleep when your parent are fighting . It ’s my big ruefulness in life . "
We recentlyaskedolder adults of theBuzzFeed Communitywhose kids are grown up to tell us the biggest parenting mistakes they feel like they made. Here are the eye-opening results:
1.“Staying in an emotionally, psychologically, financially abusive relationship ‘for the sake of the kids.’ We’re still picking up the pieces 10 years later.”
— c4d91d1073
2.“I wish I’d attended more school functions and had been more present when they talked with me. There are no dire consequences like estrangement — just that I dearly miss seeing and hearing them every day.”
— lasra
3.“I grew up a Gen X kid with parents who didn’t show affection or say I love you, so I grew up feeling like I was missing something. It was easy to show my daughter affection and say, ‘I love you,’ but it became harder for some reason as she got older. I have talked to her about this and written her letters telling her that I absolutely love her even if I don’t always say it. She understands, but I still don’t know why saying those three words is so hard.”
" She ’s become this beautiful , smart , and independent cleaning lady , and I ’m so unbelievably proud of her , butwe have a difficult sentence talk about the heavy emotional stuff . That ’s the way I remain with my mom to this Clarence Shepard Day Jr. . I have n’t recur many of my parent ’s mistake , but this is the one that I rue the most . "
— 48 , North Carolina
4.“Arguing with their dad loud enough for them to hear. I’ve apologized to all three of them for that because they deserved better. I can’t imagine trying to go to sleep when your parents are fighting. It’s my biggest regret in life.”
— acidiccrocodile93
5.“Taking the time to be present for each child’s emotional needs is absolutely the number one important parenting task. When a parent has more than one child, that seems like too overwhelming of a task to accomplish. To really have one on one time with each one, to be there to listen to everything that is on their mind, starting very young, is a tall order but a necessary one. The way to get and keep closeness is to start young with really listening to them and making their concerns valid. I raised four children by myself from my first marriage. While I did try what I thought was my best, I did work a lot, and yelled a lot.”
" Now that I have one from a second union and the others are all grown up , I see now at first hand how to do it better . I hear all about the schooling day and all about all the vexation and stress of a vernal primary school eld child . I can only hope that she reaps the benefits of my efforts , continuing to be skinny as she scram older . Her much older sister did not have my full care and guidance while growing up , and pose into drugs by the prison term she was 16 , at long last dying from it by age 26 . Although I feel like we did a circle of fun thing together and had a expert life together , the degree of minginess she needed to intrust in me was missing . No one but another parent of a child who did n’t make it could possibly understand this dreadful pain . parent , please stop yelling and start take heed . Really being present take us to fully mature as a human ourselves first , to then be able to sincerely unconditionally love and guide another human . Our line of work is fashion , mode more important than anyone realize . "
— 51 , Pennsylvania
6.“I was (still am) a single parent to my daughter; her father is Chinese and never saw her. My biggest regret is thinking that she didn’t need a father in her life — that I was enough. I had an argument with her a couple of years ago where she said to me, ‘You don’t know what it was like growing up with just one parent,’ and that felt like a knife in my heart. Some weeks later, she explained that she missed out on a whole other side of her family and culture, so yeah, I got what she meant.”
" I should have done more when she was younger to try and get her begetter ’s family involved in her life ; her older half - brother saw her for a few calendar month , but Ishould have done more . "
— clairecappleman
7.“Not apologizing. My parents never apologized, so neither did I. If I had a do-over, I would say I’m sorry for multiple things I screwed up for.”
— 53 , Ohio
8.“If I could do it all over, I would have played more with them down at their level. I would have joined them in the pool, played hide and seek, played more board games, and laughed with them.”
— Anonymous
9.“My daughter is 24 now and she’s our only child. My biggest mistake was not standing up for her enough or helping her define and enforce her boundaries. She has always been a very sensitive person, which makes her very caring and understanding, but she also has a thinner skin than me and her mom. I wish I had used my voice to protect her boundaries as a kid. She still doesn’t talk to a good portion of our family who would tease her or raise their voice at her because no one else had ever had a problem with it like she did.”
" I bid I had read , ' Hey , she does n’t like that ; you ’re not toughening her up , and you ’re just making your family relationship worse . She does n’t like being speak to wish that — knock it off . ‘I think she ’d have more confidence now and entrust her own judgment more if I had endure up for her when she was a kid and masses were pushing her boundary . "
— 63 , Virginia
10.“I was a single mom for most of my son’s upbringing; my regret is caving to societal ‘norms’ and trying to pair up. I had an ex-husband (only married for one year) and a long-term boyfriend (four years). I regret bringing both of them home. I also wish I had understood myself better, as I’m afraid that I turned my son into a bit of a loner. He seems to enjoy his solitude (as I do), but I often wonder if I made him that way because of my anxiety (which I didn’t know I had until recently). I just worry that I should have tried to get him to be more social (he is autistic with low support needs).”
" On the upside , I often hope that God gave him to me because I WOULD understand his pauperism not to be super social . So , I turn over - bust on that frequently . "
— starrcrossd
11.“I would NOT go back to work. I missed so many opportunities to do things with them, and they missed out on knowing the real me.”
— 62 , Iowa
12.“I often tried to be their friend when I should have been more strict. Also, I should have kept a closer eye on their friend circle — too much influence. Having more confidence in myself as a parent would have mitigated both things.”
— 65 , California
13.“Not encouraging them to have part-time jobs during their teens. They are now lost 30-somethings without careers or direction. I fought with their dad, but he emphasized their academic work. No! A teenage job is an essential part of growing up (if it happens)!”
14.“I would have talked about emotions more and tried to teach them resilience. We didn’t have any models for this when I was raising my kids.”
— 61 , Connecticut
15.“Trusting my son too much. I was a single parent working full-time and attending school. My son attended a private high school and drove himself to school and back every day. One day in the morning, he told me he was sick and was going to stay home. I said ok, and when I got to work, I called his school to tell them he would be out sick. After placing me on hold, the person I was speaking with came back to the phone and said, ‘Your son hasn’t been to school in 28 days.'”
" Needless to say , I started get him to schoolhouse . I have no idea to this day why the schooling never reach me to rent me know he was absent . "
— 59 , Florida
And finally…
16.“I had my oldest son at 17 and was a single mom. From the ages of 7–12, I neglected my oldest son emotionally. I was selfish, partied, and spent many weekends during those years at some boyfriend’s place. He was with his grandma and safe. I paid our mortgage, light bill, clothes, food, etc., but emotionally, I was so absent. When I came to my senses, he already had the world view of separation, rejection, and neglect. Now that he is older, he has mental health issues.”
" I have justify and asked forgiveness , which he has given . But that does n’t heal everything . I think you could recite what I would do other than if I could go back in prison term . I hate that I did that to my Word . I hope one twenty-four hours , he experience truly , at his essence , that he is desirable . He is deserving and valuable . I will walk with him every step to that healing . "
— 42 , Ohio
Note : Some reply have been edit for distance and/or clarity .